This was a tough couple of days for me as I struggled internally with the realization that another month has passed, and I am not expecting another baby. I am not pregnant, although I thought maybe I might be...however I think that every month.
And Christmas is the season of babies and children and every conversation seems to remind me that I might not ever have more children. And that is hard for me right now.
I want to prove to myself that I trust God and his plan for me by not feeling sad.
But that is so much easier said than done.
I want to cherish my three beautiful babies and know that they are enough, but I am only human. And my children are so wonderful that they just make me want to have more!
Right now, my reflex is to turn my attention away from Mary and her beautiful baby, but I am forcing myself instead to focus on her and let her example help me in my current situation.
When the angel came to tell Mary that she was expecting, and that the child she would bear would be the Son of God, what was her response?
"Behold, the handmaid of the Lord; be it unto me according to thy word,"
I can't imagine that hearing "you're pregnant" would have been completely welcome news to a young woman who was not yet married, just as the news "you're not pregnant" isn't really welcome news for a married woman like me who loves children and would really like to have more.
But my response can still be "be it unto me according to they word," and I can still find joy in being his handmaid and serving him in whatever capacity he deems appropriate for me.
Every day now, I am praying for that peace and for that declaration to be enough to calm my troubled heart. I know that the Lord is aware of how I am feeling, and I know he has his purposes and his plans for me...plans that have never steered me wrong in the past.