Well, my blog friends, I am really struggling. Can you tell? This whole blankie thing has really pushed me over the edge emotionally. Even as I knit the new blankie, it does not bring me peace. Perhaps it is because normally when I knit this blanket, it is because I am expecting a child...and this time, I am not expecting another baby. And I will probably never be able to have another baby. This fact makes knitting this familiar pattern that much more painful for me personally.
I am struggling with the sadness. For anyone reading this who has ever struggled with this type of sadness, you know that it is not a trite sorrow that I am describing. It cannot be wiped away as simply as tears can be. It lingers...and it often waits just below the surface for some otherwise benign events to make it reappear. It is a sadness that threatens to swallow one whole.
This grief that I am feeling, obviously reaches far beyond the loss of blankie, and encompasses me like nothing else. I am sure that it is clouding my judgment. It is definitely affecting my relationship with my neighbors.
So the test for me now is this: Do I love my neighbors more than I love blankie and all that blankie meant to me and to my son...and all that it means for me personally to reknit that blanket when every stitch reminds me that I will probably never have another child?
I say that I love my neighbors all the time here on my blog...because I do. Sincerely. They are very good people, good families. We are lucky and blessed to live in such a family-oriented neighborhood.
So--out of love for my neighbors, I will be deleting any comments from the comments section that passed judgment on them, because that was never the purpose of my post.
The family has let me know that it was the father who mistakenly threw out blankie, so I will also change any reference to the person who threw out blankie to "someone," so that no one has to unfairly take credit for it.
I love children after all, and it would be very selfish of me to cling to my own grief instead of setting a child free when I had the opportunity to.
Although I don't think I have said anything malicious about them, it is not my opinion that matters, it is their feelings that matter to me most. And I hope that they can find it in their hearts to forgive me.